The Room on the Bottom Floor

Dear Sir,

I have been most disappointed with the way I have been treated while staying at your establishment. My room does not have its own thermostat, nor even a window, and the heat is unbearable. This is entirely unacceptable. If this is how you treat a prestigious lawyer, I cannot imagine what the regular riff-raff must have to put up with.

Furthermore, I would like to lodge a complaint against your employee, one “Miles.” He wouldn’t give me a last name—which I think says something about the level of professionalism among your staff. When I implied that I was strongly considering taking my business elsewhere, he had the audacity to laugh at me.

Given the appalling quality of service I have had to endure, I believe some form of compensation is in order.

Regards,

Oswald Alexander Humphries, LL.B.


Mr. Humphries:

I am pleased to hear your review of my hospitality! My minions prepared your room just for you, and I'm glad you have found it in good order. However, I'm afraid our accommodations were a bit rushed given the large volume of our "prestigious lawyer" population.

We reserve thermostats for the riff-raff, as those people have only committed a few of the deadly sins. I do love to toy with the underachievers. You should see their dismay after realizing the thermostats only go up. It never fails to amuse!

I would not presume to play such paltry tricks on you, one of my VIP customers. By my review, your record shows you have completed six out of seven sins.

__Wrath
X_Greed
X_Sloth
X_Pride
X_Lust
X_Envy
X_Gluttony.

Keep up the good work! Only one more to go!

Satan

P.S. I will be sure to give Miles a commendation. He has always been one of my best employees.


Mr. Satan,

My apologies. Shortly before your correspondence arrived, Miles informed me that this is not, in fact, a budget hotel. On reflection, the choice of decor in your facilities no longer seems quite so unusual, and Miles’ staggeringly poor customer service skills are now rather more understandable. However, there are a number of legal issues here that must be addressed:

One: Your failure to properly signpost this establishment as a Hell-themed resort could be construed as false advertising. I personally came here expecting a simple, reasonably priced room, and nothing more. Many of your other patrons seem similarly displeased.

Two: The decorative pools of lava, while quite atmospheric, are a clear health hazard.

Three: Compounded by issue two, I have not seen a single fire exit during my time here. Given the staggering levels of overcrowding, this is a clear violation of local building legislation.

Four: Public indecency. You know what I mean: the whole BDSM thing. Move it behind closed doors, or face prosecution.

I am not sure I understand your review system. You say I have completed six of seven sins. If I wish to be upgraded to First Class, do I need to complete all seven, or are lower scores more desirable?

Yours faithfully,

Oswald Alexander Humphries, LL.B.


Oswald:

I assure you, this is not a budget hotel. On the other hand, it is quite a bargain when you consider the duration of your expected stay. A soul might seem like a steep price, but I think it is but a pittance compared to the value we offer.

We prefer to keep our advertising minimal. The influx of new residents has kept us extremely busy as it is. I'm not sure what you're implying about these other patrons. We boast of the highest residency numbers among our competition, and we pride ourselves on our customer loyalty—most of them stay for eternity!

You'll be relieved to note that the pools of lava are for entertainment only. Despite appearances, I think you'll find our insurance and no-deaths-permitted policy is ironclad in its thoroughness.

Concerning fire exits, again, I refer you to our insurance policy. I'm afraid you may have some confusion concerning what "local" legislature is. Did you not notice when you crossed the border? That's okay. Most people find it easy to miss.

Public indecency is just another service our fine establishment provides for your enjoyment! I hear it is very popular where you come from.

You're in luck. To upgrade to First Class, you need only complete all seven sins and we will ensure you receive only the finest benefits available—including all the women and food you could ever want! That means you only need to complete the last one, and you're there. (Low scores are for losers.)

You can do it! Down here, we believe in you.

Satan


Satan,

I commend you for your dedication to the part you are playing, and am honestly quite surprised I hadn’t heard of your establishment before I came here myself. It appears to occupy quite a unique niche in the hospitality and catering market. In keeping with the theme of your resort, I have given Miles a sound thrashing with his own pitchfork. I trust this will be wrathful enough to ensure the upgrade I requested.

P.S. I can’t help but wonder about the implications of your “crossing the border” comment. Am I to take it that you operate within some sort of ersatz international waters? Such an arrangement could be very beneficial to some of my clients. Perhaps we could reach some kind of arrangement?

Oswald Alexander Humphries, LL.B.


Ozzy!

Congratulations! I am pleased to announce that you have successfully completed all seven requisite sins.

You now qualify to be moved to our seventh and most prestigious level of Hell. Our hottest property by far, it is my personal favorite—in fact I practically live next door. Perhaps I’ll pop in and give you a housewarming party myself, neighbor!

With a concentration of thirty percent lawyers, you should feel right at home. You’ll even get to rub elbows with the rich and famous—we have numerous celebrities and politicians.

As for your business propositions, I’m always willing to make a deal for the right price.

Satan

P.S. Miles wasn’t amused. He said something about dropping your name around the Death Row block. Weren’t you a criminal lawyer?