Historical background: [link]
. I should warn you, though, it's pretty sad.
This is for the "Revise" portion of =DailyLitDeviations
' Write and Revise Contest
and I'm afraid to say that I haven't made nearly as many changes as I expected. You can see the first version here: [link]
I got some really helpful advice on this--from ~Roskvape
especially--and fully intended to rewrite it from the ground up. The problem was that whenever I tried to make big, sweeping changes (this is actually the fifth Hundeminen
), it came out missing something. In trying to make it easier to read, I completely lost whatever element of the narrator's voice made it work. I've put the worst example in scraps for comparison: [link]
I think part of the problem is that the story relies entirely on the narrator being a dog. Not a dog like Goofy (or even Pluto), but a dog that can't understand that he's being used as ammunition. To show this, the voice has to be abnormal and it has to be consistently
abnormal. When I tried to use short sentences instead of long ones, I found there wasn't enough room to tell the story without slipping back into longer ones. Also, it somehow didn't seem to suit the character.
Without being able to swap all the long unwieldy sentences out for short punchy ones, I was pretty much stuck. In the end, the only way I could think of to make this more readable was to go through and shift words and punctuation around "by hand." In many respects, this is the exact same story it was before, but I feel that these small changes will (hopefully) make a big difference.
The contest deadline isn't until December 7th, though, so if you've got any advice at this point it would be most welcome indeed!
The contest is over now, but I'm still interested in improving this if I can.EDIT:
Added a short final section from outside the dog's POV. Hopefully this will put some of the historical context into the story itself, and give it a clearer ending overall.
This story is 990 words long.Daily Literature Deviation: February 7th, 2013